An Audio Recording by Kyle Derksen

Hi. I am Billy.

Hi. I am Bob the dude.

I am Billy the cooler dude.

I am Bob the super awesomer dude.

You know that awesomer isn’t a word, right?
You are also driving me bananas. Really, you do that all the time, Bob.

Heh heh. Bananas.
BANANAS!!!

Now you’re just making me hungry.

Bananas.

Stop it! You don’t know what you’re doing! Please stop –

Bananas! Bananas Bananas BANANAS!!!

Hungry…

Yes, I’m hungry too.

HUNGRY! HUNGRY FOR BANANAS!!!

Really, Billy. This is actually very unusual and immature, I mean, since you’re Billy, an adult tattle-tale that pooped his pants last summer –

ARGH!!!

Sorry! I didn’t mean what I said, though I said what I meant… Am I quoting Dr. Seuss?

HUNGRY!!!

Billy, are you licking me?!? This is really crossing that invisible line over there! What in the name of the Banana Gods is wrong with you –

BANANAS!!!

Now it’s my turn to say argh. ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!!! What is wrong in the world of these precious bananas –

BANANAS!!!

I thought so. Ugh! Stop licking me, Billy! The feel of your saliva on my eyeball is really disturbing.

[Narrator]In which point, Billy has licked the recorder, breaking it from all forms of its usefulness (Curse him ARGH). Fortunately, Joe arrived at the scene just in time to continue this story.

Joe

Hello, I am Joe the super awesome dude, and I am going to –

[Narrator]Joe, don’t be arrogant!

Fine, I’ll stat over. Hello, I am Joe the super awesome dude and I am going to tell you about what happened after Billy licked the recorder. After many boring moments of Billy chasing Bob around the room trying to lick him while simultaneously yelling “bananas” or “hungry” at random periods of time, he eventually turned into a giant banana and swallowed Bob in a single gulp. This really should be put into the 2016 World Records Book for the largest person swallowed in one gulp (Bob is particularly fat, so he must’ve won), though I am not sure if anyone else has attempted this –

[Narrator]Sorry to interrupt, Joe, but we have fixed the recorder and we are going to continue the previous recording.

Aw, I really was being quite awesome, can’t I –

[Narrator]Not in a billion years. Now, continue the audio recording, please!

Argh, Billy, please get me out of this place! It’s so damp and sticky and really uncomfortable. Hey there’s a T.V. in here! Is it just a coincidence that this looks exactly like my T.V., and that my T.V. is missing at the moment? Very peculiar…

“Burp!”

Aw, Billy! I was just about to watch T.V.! You could’ve just burped me out a few years later when I was bored of watching derpy cartoons. Just thinking about Little Einsteins makes me very disappointed in you, you selfish little –

I thought you said you hated that place, Bob. And why do I look like a giant banana? I have a feeling that it isn’t a costume…

Oh, good, you’re normal again! You’re not yelling “HUNGRY!” or “BANANAS!” anymore and not trying to lick every inch of my body, I apologize for everything I said to you about you pooping your pants last summer…

First of all, I didn’t poop my pants last summer. That was you, Bob!

Oh yeah! I remember now! A joyful time that was…

Second of all, what nonsense are you talking about, Bob? We might have to go to the hospital, because I think you’re MENTAL.

How rude! You know that I am thoroughly truthful, Billy!

Like the time you lied to me that I, not you, pooped my pants last summer?

Uh…

Well, the joke is off, Bob. Ha ha it was so funny, and now we’re done.

Oh well. At least I know the secret that you once turned into a giant banana!

BANANAS! HUNGRY FOR BANANAS!!!

Oh, right Billy, I forgot! It’s lunchtime, so would you like banana pudding? Or maybe banana soup? How about banana –

BANANAS!!!

Yes, I know, Billy. Banana what?

BANANAS!!!

Fine, I’ll just go get us both some banana pudding –

BANANAS!!!

Wow, you must really like bananas! I never knew that, Billy! Now, what will you pay for them?

BANANAS!!!

Oh, an excellent trade! Bananas for bananas! Here, I’ll go get one…

[Narrator]In which point Bob comes back with a perfectly ripe and extremely delicious banana, in which Billy grabs it from him, swallows it whole, and runs off screaming like a mad-man.

Hey, what about my share? You thief! I’m calling 911!

[On the Other End of the Phone]Hey, what can I do for you? Would you like some of my Pokemon cards? I’ve got Mega Banana God EX –

[Narrator]In which Billy yells “Bananas!” and grabs the phone, thrusting it down his throat.

Darn, I must have called 811!

[Narrator]In which point Billy runs out the door and –

Tim the Hacker

Hello, I am your host today, Tim the hacker! To day I will presenting you today with our #1 show, who is the best hacker!

You forgot to capitalize that.

Get out of here, Dave! I am the host, not you, you “beep!” little “beep! beep!”
Hey, why’d you put that annoying beepy thingy on?

You never know when kids will be watching, Tim. You’ve got to be more careful about that.

“beep! beep! beep!”

Now you’re just sounding like a bus.
[Playing Music]: The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and –

[Narrator]Sorry about that, folks! It looks like Tim the Hacker got into our system! Matter of fact, Tim has a $1 million rewards on his head, but you know what, who cares about that, anyways?

News Interruption!!!

Tim the Hacker is causing worldwide havoc! He needs to be stopped (or killed, doesn’t matter) IMMEDIATELY!!! The current $1 million dollar reward for is capture has now been changed to $500 million. Everyone needs to –

BOOM!!!

* * * * *

Hello. I am Jimmy the alien. By calculating all of our data, the alien species has finally uncovered the mystery of how Earth suddenly exploded. After recent discoveries, we finally figured out that Billy, being in his super-giant banana state, had tripped and hit his head on the pavement, causing the Earth to crack and explode.
And now us aliens rule the universe!
Mawahaha – “Cough! Cough!” Ugh! Furball!
Don’t ask. It’s an alien thing. Oh, here comes another one…

And thus ends the tragic tale of Billy and Bob.

 

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Billy and Bob

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